5 Mediation Skills Every Manager Can Use in Everyday Conversations

When we hear the word mediation, we often think of two people whose working relationship has already broken down, sitting in a room with a mediator trying to find a way forward.

But some of the most useful mediation skills don't need to be saved for formal workplace conflict.

Managers can use them every day.

In 1:1s. During difficult conversations. When giving feedback. When two colleagues aren't seeing eye to eye. Or simply when an employee comes to them frustrated and wants to be heard.

Having worked in HR and employee relations for many years, and more recently qualifying in workplace mediation, I've become even more aware of how much difference the way we approach a conversation can make.

Sometimes, changing one question or taking a little more time to listen can completely change where a conversation goes.

Here are five mediation skills managers can start using straight away.

1. Listen to understand, not just to respond

This sounds simple, but it's probably one of the hardest things to do well.

When someone is speaking, particularly if they're upset or saying something we disagree with, it's very easy to start preparing our response before they've finished.

Managers can fall into this trap too.

An employee raises a problem and we're already thinking:

"I know why this happened."

"I need to explain the other side."

"Here's how we're going to fix it."

Before jumping to the solution, give the person space to explain what's actually happening.

Listen. Ask questions. Check that you've understood.

Something as simple as:

"Have I understood correctly that...?"

can prevent a surprising number of misunderstandings.

People are also much more likely to engage in finding a solution when they feel they've genuinely been heard.

2. Ask open questions

The way a question is phrased can completely change a conversation.

Compare:

"Why didn't you speak to your colleague about this?"

with:

"What stopped you from speaking to your colleague about this?"

They're asking about essentially the same thing, but they can feel very different to the person receiving them.

The first can easily sound like criticism.

The second invites explanation.

Some useful questions managers can borrow from mediation include:

• "Can you talk me through what happened?"

• "How has this affected you?"

• "What do you think is making this difficult?"

• "What would you like to be different?"

• "What do you think might help us move forward?"

The aim isn't to interrogate someone. It's to understand what's sitting underneath the problem before deciding what to do about it.

3. Separate the person from the problem

This is particularly important when relationships become difficult.

We often start describing people rather than behaviour.

"She's difficult."

"He's negative."

"They're not a team player."

But labels don't tell us what actually happened, and they rarely help us resolve anything.

Instead, bring the conversation back to observable behaviour and impact.

What happened?

What was said or done?

What effect did it have?

What needs to change?

For example, rather than:

"You need to stop being so negative in meetings."

a manager might say:

"I've noticed that you've raised concerns about several of the team's decisions during recent meetings. I'd like to understand what's behind those concerns."

That's a very different conversation.

One creates defensiveness.

The other creates an opportunity to talk.

4. Learn to reframe

Reframing is one of my favourite mediation skills because it can completely change the temperature of a conversation.

Imagine an employee says:

"She never listens to me. She just does whatever she wants."

A manager could respond:

"So you're saying she's impossible to work with?"

That probably isn't going to help.

Instead, you might say:

"It sounds like you don't feel your views are being heard."

You've acknowledged what the employee is experiencing without agreeing with an accusation about the other person.

Another example might be:

"My manager doesn't respect me."

Reframed:

"It sounds like feeling respected in the way you communicate with each other is important to you."

Reframing helps move conversations away from blame and towards what actually needs to change.

5. Look beyond positions and understand what's important

In disagreements, people often arrive with a position.

"I want to move teams."

"I won't work with them again."

"I want an apology."

It's tempting to focus immediately on whether that request can or can't happen.

Mediation encourages us to look underneath the position.

Why does the person want to move teams?

What would an apology mean to them?

What has happened that makes working with the other person feel impossible?

Sometimes two people appear to want completely different things, but when you understand what's important underneath, there may be much more common ground than first appeared.

A useful question can simply be:

"What would that change for you?"

or:

"What would a good outcome look like from your perspective?"

The answer can tell you much more than the original demand.

And one more: don't be afraid of silence

This isn't really a technique as much as a reminder.

Managers often feel responsible for keeping a conversation moving.

We ask a question.

There's silence.

It feels uncomfortable.

So we ask another question, explain ourselves or offer the answer.

Try waiting.

Sometimes people need a few seconds to work out what they actually want to say.

Silence isn't necessarily a sign that a conversation is going badly.

Sometimes it's where the thinking happens.

Managers don't need to become mediators

I'm certainly not suggesting that managers should try to mediate every workplace conflict themselves.

There are situations where HR support, a formal process or an independent workplace mediator is appropriate.

But many of the skills mediators use can help managers deal with everyday conversations much earlier.

Listen before solving.

Ask rather than assume.

Focus on behaviour rather than labels.

Reframe rather than reinforce conflict.

Understand what's important before deciding on the solution.

These sound like small things, but used consistently they can make a real difference to how employees experience difficult conversations.

And sometimes, the best way to deal with workplace conflict is to have a better conversation before it becomes a conflict at all.

Need Support With Workplace Conflict or Manager Development?

At HR Insight Studio, I support businesses and managers with employee relations, difficult workplace conversations, manager development and workplace mediation.

Whether you have a relationship that's beginning to break down, managers who need more confidence handling difficult conversations, or a workplace issue that may benefit from independent mediation, early support can often prevent things becoming much more difficult.

Get in touch to arrange an initial conversation and explore the right support for your situation.